Acquiesce Is Not Consent: Unlearning The Presumptuous Male Perspective on Sex

Last month I went out for coffee with a friend of mine. I was joking about the last date I went on and when I mentioned asking my date about sex that night, my friend laughed outright.

“That’s such a girl move,” he joked, going on about how men always want sex, so asking is just weird.

I made a brief quip about how I value consent, but I let the topic drop when I only inspired more laughter.

This morning I woke up to an article about a girl who went on a “bad date” with Aziz Ansari. What’s curious about this latest celebrity “reveal” is the discourse on whether there actually was unwanted sexual contact, or whether this girl was just giving “mixed-signals” and simply regretted her own actions.

I looked at commenter after commenter slam this girl – if you didn’t like what was happening, why did you blow him? If someone had hassled me, I would have just left. This isn’t sexual assault; she could have left at any time. If she didn’t want him touching her, why did she sit naked with him? Grow up.

I went to a University where the sexual assault awareness slogan for many years was “No Means No.” While this campaign was well meaning, the language isn’t quite right. While I agree that no means no, the campaign missed the idea that a lack of “no” doesn’t mean “yes.” And that is the biggest issue with the responses to this article.

Just because this girl didn’t explicitly say the word “no” – even though she froze up when he touched her, moved away from him multiple times, and said she wanted to go slower – people are under the impression that it’s just a bad sexual experience.

I’ve had bad sexual experiences. I’ve had sex where the guy comes in two minutes and then has the gall to ask if I did too. I’ve had sex where no matter how hard I try I can’t orgasm. I’ve had sex where no one can put a condom on right.

I’ve also had my neck covered in hickies even though I told him not to leave any marks. I’ve given a guy a blowjob hoping to tire him out after he touched me when I didn’t want him to. I’ve been threatened with rape.

Bad sexual experiences are awkward and often embarrassing, but usually I’ll end up laughing about them with a friend later. While sexual assault can come in many different shapes, there’s a clear difference between the two experiences.

People who are confused about where the difference lies are being fooled by this cultural idea that women don’t want sex, and have to be convinced by men to have it. This permeates the notion that it’s required, romantic even, for men to continuously chase after women even after they’ve refuted them. (And it’s often dangerous for women to refuse men outright)

Regardless if the story is true or not, reactions to it prove there’s still conversation to be had around sex and consent. I think it’s important to recognize that part of the problem is the inadequate language we have surrounding sexual assault – and part of it is an inaccurate understanding of what consent looks like.

Having to talk about these issues can be sensitive for men. We’re pushing back against this idea we’re taught that when it comes to sex you’ll “just know” if your partner wants it – and if you don’t know, then you’re not much of a man. But we have to be willing to teach ourselves to be comfortable talking with our partners before, during, and after sex about what’s going on. It doesn’t have to be embarrassing, weak, or “girly.”

Forget entirely about celebrities, Hollywood, and public officials. Regular people deal with situations like this all the time. If #metoo teaches us anything, it’s how pervasive the issue of sexual misconduct is. One step in moving to fix that is we as men have to readjust our attitude towards talking about sex, because it shouldn’t be awkward or laughable.